The mind can never know consciousness. Its just the way it is. The mind is just the current thought. When there are no thoughts, the person literally doesn't exist. It is why Rupert Spira often says, "we experience death every time a thought comes to an end" or something like that.
Adyashanti used to be fascinated by this discovery. He could see clearly that "I" literally has no existence in the absence of thoughts. Adyashanti's enthusiasm for this realization infected me also. It is a pretty sweet realization. The "I" in this example would refer to the imagined person. Where do I go when I'm not thinking? Isn't it funny how this "I" disappears every time thinking stops? Hmmm.
Looking back, I think this is why I loved meditation so much in the beginning without actually knowing the reason. Meditation can be the ultimate escape since "I" is never present during true meditation. I used to have a very busy mind. I am a Type 6 on the enneagram personality test. Very anxious. For me, meditation was always a very pleasant way to spend 20 or 30 minutes. So it stuck.
And we always want to feel better do we not? We are kind of programmed this way. Its not a bad thing. It is why we come inside when we are cold. It is why we get out of the rain when we are wet. It is our natural instinct to want to feel better.
How many spiritual seekers are using meditation as a means of escape without realizing it? Granted, meditation and exercise are much healthier escapes than alcohol or chocolate. The latter are more obvious forms of escape while the former is not.
The activities themselves are not a problem. Each one of them could be used as a celebration of life. Rather, it is about loving yourself enough to be honest about the true motivation behind the activities.
Whether we are aware of it or not, escaping "I" is the essence behind all forms of pleasure that we enjoy everyday after we have completed our chores. It is the forgetting of ourselves that we enjoy when we read a novel, watch a movie, get high, knit, sleep, paint, day dream, swim laps...whatever. There is nothing wrong with any of these activities. Some are healthier for the body-mind while others are more destructive. Ask yourself, am I doing it as a celebration of life, or am I doing it to avoid an uncomfortable feeling? Anything to avoid the current experience will suffice. We all have our preferred methods of avoiding the sense of lack, or anxiety, or any unwanted feeling, so it would be hypocritical to judge anyone with a destructive addiction.
I can see how I might be doing this. But at the same time I am also seeing that once I believe that I am this body-mind, I have no control over my thoughts or decisions. It sounds like a cop-out, or perhaps spiritual bypassing, and maybe it is since we all have our blind-spots.
Nevertheless, I have surrendered the belief that I control my actions. I will wait and see how this body/mind responds when these feelings re-surface. The good news/bad news is that the universe is going to keep teaching me this lesson until I have mastery over the feelings that lead to desires.
Coincidentally, the Francis meditation that randomly appeared on my playlist today said "You must get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable" There is more work to be done. I am often going for the cure that will make me feel better in the moment. I seem to be always opting for feeling better in the moment.
When in doubt, it is helpful to break any patterns of thought or behavior. Any time we can break a chain it gets us closer to liberation. Liberation is complete freedom from fears and desires. Fears and desires are two sides of the same coin. I want that job. I'm afraid that I won't get that job.
Once we get the object of our desire (cake, beer, car, job, girlfriend), our restlessness/sense of lack will come to an end and we will be at peace. Unfortunately, this peace won't last. Eventually this cycle will keep repeating itself endlessly. Most everyone that I've met on retreat over the years are there precisely because they understand that the lasting peace that they seek can't be found from the acquisition of objects or relationships. The peace that transcends all understanding can only be found from within. From knowing what I am, beyond any shadow of a doubt.
Perhaps drinking beer and eating chips this afternoon is not a problem in itself; but it is probably a missed opportunity. Specifically, it is an opportunity for an exercise in discrimination that I am missing. Uncomfortable feelings of desire will lose their power when I am able to see them clearly for what they are...bodily sensations. In other words, they are just another object of experience that is temporary and can't hurt me.
We have the power to disarm unwanted feelings. We don't need to avoid them. We just need to observe them clearly for what they are. At the end of the day, they can be nothing more than a bodily sensation. Completely harmless when seen properly as just another object of our experience. How is the feeling of anxiety or sense of lack any different than any other bodily sensation such as the stiffness in my lower back or the sensation of my feet on the floor? When carefully observed we can see that there is no difference!
The only difference is that our mind has chosen which bodily sensations they don't mind and which bodily sensations it wishes to avoid....and which bodily sensations that it desires...sex, drugs etc.
Objects of experience such as thoughts and perceptions are always appearing and disappearing from the screen of Awareness. Likewise, feelings of desire or fear or anxiety also come and go. Like waves in the ocean. They are impermanent. They can't hurt me. They don't have real power unless I give it to them because I am not a wave. I am the ocean.
Nothing that happens in the movie can hurt the screen. Likewise, phenomenal objects of experience can't harm Awareness.
"It is indestructible. Not because it so strong. But because it is so empty"
- Rupert Spira
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